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Thanksgiving Day Humor
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their AGE!
Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language.
What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?
Turkey feathers!
Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
How can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey!
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside.
Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.
Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it.
Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape.
How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It hugged the shore.
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A Satsang Lesson
A husband comes home from satsang. He greets his wife and lifts her up. He then carries her around the house with a smile.
The wife is so surprised and she asks, "Did the swami preach about being romantic today?"
The husband says, "No. He said we must carry our burdens and sorrows with a smile!"
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Two Boys Walking
Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."
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Muldoon
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why did ya' not tell me the dog was Catholic?
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A Country Preacher
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.
With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish—make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"
At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."
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A Priest and A Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither one of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, "So you're a priest. That's interesting; I'm a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace."
The priest replies, "Oh, yes, I agree. It's a miracle that we survived and are here together."
"And here's another miracle," says the rabbi. "My car is destroyed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune," he says, handing the bottle to the priest.
The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.
"Aren't you going to have any? asks the priest.
"Not right now," says the rabbi. "I think I'll wait until after the police make their report."
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Secret to a Good Sermon
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible." ~ George Burns
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Locked Car Door
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
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Bumper Stickers
"Procrastinate now"
"Never drive faster than your angel can fly!!"
"I'd rather be in Samadhi"
"Out of body. Will be back in 15 minutes!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Meditation - You have the right to remain silent."
"Don't just do something, sit there."
"Life is hard. It's breathe, breathe, breathe, all the time."
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On Time
Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second.
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Everybody Prayed!
A priest and bus driver lived together and one day thay also together died.
They go to St. Peter standing before heaven's gate. He allows the bus driver to go to one of the highest heavens but the priest has to wait.
He waits for a long time and finally goes to St. Peter and asks: "Why could that bus driver go to the highest heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?"
St. Peter said: "When you were speaking to the people at your church everybody was sleeping, but when that bus driver was driving everybody prayed!"
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Let Go!
This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped, then grabbed at a branch and was hanging there. After an hour or so had passed he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me, please, help me."
All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.
The guy paused and looked up at heaven once more, then said: "Is there anyone else up there?"
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Meditating? What's that?
Two men meet on the street. One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"
The other ones replies: "I'm fine, thanks."
"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"
"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."
"Meditating? What's that?"
"I don't know. But it's better than sitting around and doing nothing!"
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DEAR GOD....
A Nun asked her Sunday School class to write a note to God........
Dear GOD: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones You have? ~~Johnny
Dear GOD: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. ~~Nan
Dear GOD: I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me. ~~Love, Alison
Dear GOD: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? ~~Norma
Dear GOD: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? ~~Neil
Dear GOD: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. ~~Joyce
Dear GOD: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before You can look it up. ~~Bruce
Dear GOD: My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? ~~Marsha
Dear GOD: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. ~~Sincerely, Donna
Dear GOD: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. ~~Sara
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Jonah & The Whale
There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long fights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
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Telling Lies
A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
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After Giving a Sermon
The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan's hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.
"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"
"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."
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God Granting Miracles
A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says, "get in, get in!" The religious man replies, "no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."
Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in God and God will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in. Mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, “I thought God would grant me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."
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Pastor Painting Church
It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.
One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.
He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.
It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.
That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.
The pastor looked up at the sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"
A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"
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In The Beginning
In the Beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining?
What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...
At this point God created Hell.
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If College Students Wrote the Bible
The Holy Scripture may have had a different bent if written by college students:
• The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold, with stale Coke.
• The Ten Commandments would actually be only five - double-spaced, with wide margins, and written in a large font.
• A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
• Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
• Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov
• Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
• Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask for directions and look like freshmen.
• Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
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More Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mr. Vassilas to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge-Up Yours."
This evening at 7:00 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to SIN.
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Garden of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. You'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."
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Kids in Church
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
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After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him what was wrong, and the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
A little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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A Few Anonymous Funny Sayings
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most!
As a cynic I generally expect the worst. I'm rarely disappointed.
I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Some Buddhist Jokes - Part Two
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.
Q: What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.
Q: How do you describe a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?
A: A man who is at two with the universe
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Some Buddhist Jokes - Part One
Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one not to.
Q: How many Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They are the light bulb.
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Tree falling in the forest.
Q: Why is Buddhist tape worthless?
A: Because it doesn't attach to anything.
A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.
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What if God Had Voice Mail?
We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this...
Thank you for calling The Lord's House. Please select from the following options:
Press 1 for General Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for Healing
Press 5 for Help with the IRS
Press 6 for Rain or No Rain
Press 7 for Miracles
Press 8 for Lottery Winning Numbers
Press 9 for All Other Inquiries, or Just to Say "Hi"
Press 0 to hear this menu again
If the line is busy, you will hear: "I'm sorry, all the angels are helping other sinners right now. Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us and will be answered in this millennium.”
If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11.
For Michael, press 22.
For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 55. Then wait for the beep and enter the number of the Psalm you wish to hear.
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, press 62. Enter his or her social security number, the press the pound (#) key, enter his or her date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, where Noah's Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFOs, please wait until you arrive here, answers can only be understood from a "heavenly perspective."
To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically transferred. Please be careful, your receiver may become warm.
Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try tomorrow.
This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday, after 9:30 A.M., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time).
To order any religious material enter catalog number, quantity, and a major credit card number plus expiration date.
For emergencies, refer to your Bible.
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God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of Mouth
___ Near Death Experience
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Bible
___ Autobiography of a Yogi
___ who?
___ Other (specify):_________________________
Which model God did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet Bundle
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Divine Mother
___ Satan
___ God
___ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
___ don't know what you're talking about.
Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:______________________________
What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to annoy parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like Organ Music
___ Need to feel Morally Superior
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
___ don't know
Have you ever worshiped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Rush Limbaugh
___ Cthulhu
___ Zeus
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ Apollo
___ Left Wing Liberalism
___ The Radical Right
___ Sean Hannity
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ The NFL
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The Sun
___ George W. Bush
___ RJ Reynolds
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The Moon
___ A burning cabbage
___ drugs
___ Other: ________________
Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Ann Landers
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Dianetics
___ Self-help books
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Bill Clinton
___ Hilary Clinton
___ Tea Leaves
___ EST
___ Mantras
___ Jimmy Swaggert
___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
___ Human Sacrifice
___ Pyramids
___ Wandering around a desert
___ Insurance policies
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ Barney Fife
___ Other: _____________________
___ None
God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
More Divine Intervention
Less Divine Intervention
Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
BLURAYSs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by August 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approx. 1 x 1,000,000,000, depending on number of beings entered).
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New Biblical Revelations
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. (Incorrect spelling has been left in.)
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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Astrological Prayers
Aries: Dear God, please give me patience... and could you do it right now?
Taurus: Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quickly.
Gemini: Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?
Cancer: Dear God!!!
Leo: Yes?
Virgo: Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time.
Libra: Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do you think is best?
Scorpio: Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though they don't deserve it!
Sagittarius: Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, help me stop exaggerating.
Capricorn: Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!
Aquarius: Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!
Pisces: Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to party tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory.
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Talking to God
Little Johnny was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape.
Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Johnny said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"
Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate, "A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Johnny. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"
"A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Johnny, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute."
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Bible Riddles
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? Ruth-less.
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson; he brought the house down.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden? They were really put out.
What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? They really raised Cain.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? Your mother ate us out of house and home.
How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel!
Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? The area around the Jordan, the banks were always overflowing.
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Yogi Pizza
What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen pizza parlor?
“Make me one with everything!”
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the cashier a $20 bill. The cashier pocketed the bill. The Yogi said, “Don’t I get change?”
The cashier replied, “Change must come from within!”
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Church Bulletin Typos
(These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service.)
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Breaking the Silence
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Abbott said to him: "Brother John, you have been here a year now, so you may speak two words." Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbott said. "We will get you a better bed."
The next year, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably best," said the Abbott. "All you have done since you have been here is complain."
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